G.A.P Friendly.
By Pablo Das (HHC, SEP)
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I’ve been writing a series of articles on 8 ways to cultivate deep wellbeing in the new year. So far, I’ve talked about (1) having a vision and intention for life, (2) the role of behavioral renunciation and of (3) healing. Now I’m writing about the 4th way, practicing mindfulness both as a distinct kind of consciousness and as a way of responding to life through an ethical filter.
The Buddhist term “Metta” is usually translated as loving-kindness or just kindness. But the word captures a number of different qualities. As a teacher I used to ask my students to think of a time when they saw what they would consider kindness on display in the world. Then I would ask them to describe what they experienced without using the word kindness. Words or phrases that come up are usually “generosity” or “patience” or “acceptance” or “friendliness”.
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I’m taking a photography class right now. The class is full of people you might call "characters". One of the dominant characters on the first day of class was this woman who spent the first two hours falling asleep and snoring. She looked like she was going to fall out of her chair with these big swings of her body from upright to slumped. It happened over and over as she fell over and gave a loud snort. It was really over the top.
I would estimate that the professor approached her no less than 15 times, each time with a huge smile and encouraged her to “come back” and pointing to her thermos saying “coffee! Drink your coffee!”. Almost anyone else in his position might have quickly run out of patience and sent her out of the room. It was disruptive and distracting. He had every right to do so. But whether he was in a lecture or we were watching a documentary, he would keep swooping over, smiling, putting his hand on her shoulder and saying “Come back! Come back!”
To me this was all the different qualities of Metta in action. He was patient. He accepted her fully for where she was that day. He was certainly generous and very friendly. He was not punitive, exasperated or shaming. He never sent her away.
I’ve used the phrase “G.A.P. friendly” to remind myself of the dominant qualities of Metta as I experience them. “G.A.P.” stands for generosity, acceptance and patience. Obviously, friendliness means to be kind and pleasant.
I’ve been working with the idea that mindfulness can be reduced to two practice inquiries. At any point in time one could…
1. Ask oneself “what’s happening” and taking note.
2. Then ask “how can I respond in a way that supports well-being”?
We can use these qualities of Metta or loving kindness as a way of framing how we respond to things. Which is to say we try to have our speech and actions motivated by generosity, patience, acceptance and friendliness (G.A.P. Friendly).
In practical terms this means we meet people where they are. We give them space to be in their process. We let people screw up. We don’t penalize people for mistakes. We try not to condemn them. We don’t make fun of people for what they don’t know. We encourage people. We see the good in them and emphasize that. We compliment. We’re helpful. We share our resources when we can.
It blunt terms, it means being nice! And if you really wanna go there... this niceness is not just offered to people we like, but also people we dislike, people who annoy us and maybe even people who have hurt and threatened us (not without boundaries though). It also means offering that very same kindness to yourself.
As you move through your day, remember to step out of ordinary consciousness by asking “What’s happening?” and then trying to respond to what’s happening in a way that supports more wellbeing for everyone involved.
One way to do that is to be G.A.P. Friendly.
Have fun!